The Weight We Carry

After years in headship, I find myself asking questions I never expected. Not about pedagogy, vision, or curriculum but about myself. Do I still have the energy, the resilience, the will to keep going?

The longer I’ve had skin in the game, the less I understand why I keep putting myself through it.

Because the truth is, the system feels broken. And leadership? It’s lonely. It’s heavy. It’s a role that can end not with a quiet sense of accomplishment, but with burnout, self-doubt, and the painful realisation that you’re simply tired. Tired of the fight. Tired of the noise. Tired of being the one who holds it all together.

I’ve written about these struggles before and ironically, those are always my most read pieces. Maybe misery really does love company. My more hopeful posts? They tend to slip quietly under the radar.

The Wonder That Keeps Me Here

And yet, despite it all… I love this job more than ever.

I love the buzz of my school; the people, the children, the glorious chaos. Even when our efforts go unseen or unappreciated.

I love the impact we can have, the lives we can shape for the, tiny or bigger, better and the small moments that accumulate into something extraordinary. Even when progress feels slow or the future uncertain.

With time, I’ve stopped believing that being “a good school leader” means fixing everything. Now, I believe it’s enough to try, to show up with heart, to keep going even when it hurts. I still rage. I still despair. But I’ve learned that rage alone doesn’t build a school. And love, while essential, isn’t enough either. What builds a school is patience. Time. Relentless commitment. It’s taken me many years to fully understand this… experience sometimes creeps up on me.

This job is amazing. Not because it’s easy but because it matters. And after all these years, I’ve realised that by sticking with it, I can walk out of the quagmires, whirlpools and hurricanes and continue the journey.

The Mindset That Saves Me

So how do I keep going?

I remind myself that leadership isn’t about perfection. Sometimes, it’s not even about – okay. It’s not about ticking boxes, meeting non-negotiables, or surviving Ofsted. It’s about purpose and resilience. It’s about making the hard – simple. Shutting out all the noise that wants us to think that leading a school is the hardest game in the business and how we should fear even the thought of it. I have learnt over the years that the secret art of leading is about knowing yourself and believing in yourself as a leader. You need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say it without doubt. No matter how tough things are in that moment. That’s not arrogance. That’s critical if you want to last.

It’s about showing up especially when it’s hard. It’s about choosing hope over cynicism, connection over isolation, and courage over comfort. It’s about understanding your context and not being afraid of it. It’s about ambition, without excuses and without lies.

I lean on my team. I lean on my values. I lean on my family. And I lean on the beliefs, stubborn as it may be, that what we do changes lives. But to see that change, we need to be able to look far ahead. That’s the curse of education: we’re always asked to prove the impact before it’s had time to grow.

And when the weight gets too heavy, I write. I reflect. I breathe. I cycle. I live my life without carrying the blame. I remember why I started and more importantly, why I’m still here.

Because somewhere between the chaos and the calm, the rage and the laughter… there’s still so much wonder in working in a school.

And that, I think, is the why.