Serving our communities shouldn’t feel like a life sentence.

I spoke to an ex colleague last week. Asking how they were getting on in their second year of headship. I knew them well and had helped them through some tough leadership moments within their career. They were reflective and realistic but said… “I’m 40 next week. I have another 25 years of this… There’s serious crimes I could committee where I’d serve less time than that!”. I hear this sentiment amongst too many head teachers at the moment; from those starting out, as well as leaders who have been treading the corridors for some time.

How has a job that should be seen as a privileged role within the education world become so toxic? I wrote a tweet on X last week, slightly tongue in cheek, that read:

There comes a point in headship where you taste, feel and smell stress… real, relentless and unforgiving stress… the trick is to keep it a secret.

I was feeling pretty low as I wrote this and the final bit was meant to be ironic – Of course the trick isn’t to keep it secret. Keeping stress tied up inside is a recipe for disaster and a flashing light journey to A&E. I wrote about this quite a bit in my book, Lessons from the Heads Office – how I had to learnt to notice stress and take it seriously… REALLY seriously. What shocked me were the number of replies from people who had clearly walked away from the stress already. The fact is, there is very little ongoing support within the system for head teachers. This is surprising because headship is well known to be challenging and unforgiving. Therefore, too many feel their only option is to walk away…

So, I phoned for help last week. It’s the first time in my twenty years as a headteacher I have felt the need to pick up the phone and seek out professional support because I was feeling the stress of the role. I have had worse moments, tougher situations, harder conundrums. I have had mentors and coaches before, but this was different… this was me trying to make sense of this role and feeling I was drowning in it. It was about more than the role, it was about me, my life and who I wanted to be… Big stuff. What was getting in the way was the drip, drip, drip of the constant, and sometimes intense, pressure I was feeling in my leadership role. I was finding that my jaw was tight and achy from grinding my teeth, that I was moody at home, sleeping badly (Which I never do), I was super sweary (well more than usual), seeking isolation and quick to be negative about the small positives in my life. I was seeing and feeling little joy in the role which I have always found so rewarding and fulfilling. It’s amazing how quickly you can feel the darkness gathering when you lose control over the boundaries of what you can achieve as a school leader. How quickly you lose sight of your purpose and drag yourself down into a mire of stress and negativity. It is also surprising how much this then impacts upon your health, mental state and family.

I have been doing this long enough to know that I could not let last week take hold of me. I had to act – that was why I phoned for help. I had to get my health and fitness back on track and (most importantly) I had to sit down with my wife and talk it through. I know that the way I see myself, the way my body responds to stress are why I have been able to do this role for so long. It is not weakness to admit that this job is hurting me. That doesn’t make it right… but I’d much rather shout that from the rafters than suddenly wake up in a ward with a sense of failure washing over me.

And all this on the back of a self-nominated TES shortlist for head teacher of the year… Ha! This weekend I would have laughed at myself if I could have bared looking in the mirror. The irony hasn’t been lost on me – maybe that’s why I wrote the tweet – to prove to myself and others I know nothing about headteachering (This must be a verb?). I am just a fraud and charlatan who has rode his luck for twenty odd years and is well over due a reality check.

And breath… … …

There’s a fine line between over sharing, pushing your worries and concerns on to other people and stepping back to give yourself space whilst you hand over the burden of your concerns. As unfair as this can be on other people, handing over your stress rarely helps. This week, though not fully back to my bright, positive and cheery self (Which was never) through publicly baring my soul a little; through facing my demons, so to speak… I do feel a little better. A little stronger. A little more positive… But, I know I have to address the issues impacting upon my wellbeing by acting and that’s not an immediate fix. This call to action has certainly made me feel better. In fact – I feel hopeful again. I know that through weathering the storm of the last few weeks (Or years when I really look back) I can see a better future…. I mean there’s an election coming and we may end up with a government that respects and listens to teachers… But, it’s more than this… I still have a feeling of expectation and desire (steady on!) as a leader – an aspiration to keep doing the good bits. To get to the core of our moral purpose working in education – despite everything. I know things aren’t going to get any easier. It’s the fact that I still see the good I can do in this role and I want it to continue that helps me navigate the thick fog of stressful times. Surely that is the first step in leading well as we serve time as a head teacher?